Jeez, Chavo. You look like a giant baby on film.
Make sure that little red light's blinking.
Thank you for that amazing advice.
KATE: Thank you for being so sarcastic.
Take it easy.
KATE: Ready?
I am currently standing less than 200 meters
from where Chavo here cowered, like a bitch, in a bush, but,
somehow managed to get a picture of this thing's
right calf and buttock before it disappeared into the bush.
CHAVO: All right. Here's a fact if I go down,
you're like a dog without a bone, chica.
Dude, I would pick up that camera and forge ahead
like Denzel picked up the flag in Glory.
There have been a spate of recent sightings
of what has locally gained traction as a Bigfoot-type creature.
But wait! There's more... CHAVO: Yeah, show 'em the transmitter.
We have planted a number of these motivational devices
in order to entice our favorite Squatch
and giving us a little encore.
Calm down, Chavo. I know how much you love dark meat and technology.
CHAVO: Uh... Careful, that's a $200 tracking device in there.
(SNORTING)
CHAVO: What the hell is that?
SHAWN: Would you stop it? That is a ridiculous sound.
GUS: Forget you, Shawn.
You know I'm allergic to pine needles and most types of dirt.
Plus, it's raining now.
If I don't start smelling slow roasting brisket in the next two minutes...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. ...we're turning around.
Shawn friggin' Spencer?
You really came! This is the boobs!
Uh. Kate... Favor?
Wow. You look just like your picture on the blogspot.
I thought it was a screen cap of Angelina Jolie in Original Sin.
Shawn, who are these people and why do they know your name?
We know your name too, Pootie Tang.
Wa-da-tah!
Oh, Gus. We're just joking with you
because you're sweet enough to melt and drizzle on two scoops of me.
This is chichi, uh, Chavo.
He hid in a bush when he heard you guys coming
because he thought you guys were Bigfoot.
And he forgot to take his Midol this morning.
Okay. I was going for a low, ominous angle.
And also, I don't have ovaries.
That's debatable. Uh... Bigfoot?
Yeah, Bigfoot.
Uh, did Shawn not tell you the deal or...
What deal? We're on our way to The Sassy Quatch.
It's a secret barbeque hut built into the side of a cave
that almost nobody knows about.
It has the best tasting corn pudding in all of...
Shawn, you son of a bitch.
Why do you have a camera?
Uh... Well, buddy...
Uh, if I had told you the truth, you wouldn't have come!
Here's the thing. I, uh, I stumbled upon Kate and Chavo's blog
while I was messing around on the Harry and the Hendersons fan site.
Turns out... Shawn, John Lithgow is never writing you back.
He's never even heard of that site.
Okay. That is your opinion!
Look, if Shawn can help us find the beast by using his gift
and we can catch it all on camera...
We will win the Student Academy Award.
Dude, the Student Academy Award!
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I will not get eaten by a bear to prove that Bigfoot does not exist.
Nope. No bear is eating me. Not today. Not ever.
Not even in your dreams.
Okay. You just jinxed yourself. Suck it, Shawn.
At least stick around and let us show you the Bigfoot blind we built.
It's totally rad and we have a mondo stash of beef jerky there.
Dude, they have meat here.
Lots of meat.
Fine.
I will stay only long enough to refuel and put something in my stomach.
I'm famished and I'm starting to see floating protozoa and what not.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
Okay, great. chichi, why don't you, uh, grab some wood for the fire
and I'll show the boys the blind?
Almost there, boys.
SHAWN: What do you think? Do you think that's her natural gait?
All right, look. I'm sorry I lied. Okay?
But let's be honest.
Shame on you for believing there was a place called "The Sassy Quatch"
built into the side of a cave in the first place.
Man, you know all I heard
were the key words "dry rub" and "pone."
What are we doing out here, Shawn?
We're not gonna be able to help these fools.
SHAWN: You can say that again.
Look, we should both be on camera for this.
It's important for story drive.
What? KATE: Come on, dudes!
What is more interesting than a documentary about finding Bigfoot?
Anything but Capturing the Friedmans?
A documentary about a documentary about finding Bigfoot...
That fails.
I will slap you in the teat, Shawn.
Oh, think about it, Gus.
Look, they're making Don Quixote.
We're making Lost in La Mancha.
Oh, my God. We have never won anything.
Especially you.
Now who do you think's gonna win that Student Academy Award now?
Here's a hint.
Us.
Now pull out your phone and start shooting some B roll.
KATE: Come on, guys. Chop, chop! Gus to the world!
Here's a news flash, Shawn.
We are not students. Here's another one
this is the worst idea you've come up with since Odwallapalooza.
SHAWN: Okay. First of all, organic juices
and weird elixirs that are alive are the future, Gus.
Just like milk was the future back in the '50s.
And B, yesterday I enrolled you
in something called hermeneutics at UCSB.
I think it's the study of The Munsters so we should be fine.
You did not! I sure did.
Shawn, hermeneutics is the study of theory.
SHAWN: Well, that feels redundant.
Oh, my gosh. I could have an exam on Friday!
I need to find a syllabus.
Pretty dope little setup, huh?
Chavo did it in like, 15 minutes.
SHAWN: You just helped yourself, huh?
So, Kate what's the story with you and Chavo?
It's just a business relationship?
Or are you guys lovers in the nighttime?
Man, I think we should all be lovers in the nighttime.
The human libido is way too powerful to be governed by a set of rudimentary laws
or a button fly.
Life's not The Notebook, you know?
It's Wild Orchid.
It's Last Tango in Paris.
It's Jungle Fever.
(GROWLING) Holy hell.
He's real.
Oh, my God. Are you seeing this?
Dude, dude, dude!
Shawn, if we get out of here alive, I will kill you.
SHAWN: So what's my incentive to live?
(GROWLING) Huh?
In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity
If it's all right then you're all wrong
But why bounce around to the same damn song?
You'd rather run when you can't crawl
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth
I know, you know They just don't have any proof
Embrace the deception Learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end
I know, you know
GUS: She's gonna get eaten, Shawn.
She's gonna get eaten and then we're gonna get eaten!
SHAWN: Would you... Where?
Would you relax?
Breathe.
Think about what's happening? Where's Chavo?
He's gathering timber. SHAWN: Wrong.
He just changed into a giant dog suit and came around that corner
with a big fake emu over his shoulder.
It wasn't an emu. This is brilliant, Gus.
We're no longer making a documentary about a failure.
We're making a documentary about a hoax.
They're circulating the rumors on their blog, doctoring that photo,
and spreading it all over the Internet.
Okay, fine.
Fine.
You're probably right
but there are still bears out here, Shawn.
Black bears that feel no kinship to black men.
KATE: Hey. (GUS SCREAMING)
Sorry. Uh, I don't have a long enough lens.
Plus, Bigfoot won't come out of the cave.
I... I think we need to get closer.
Actually, Kate, I am... I am sensing that our best bet
is to head back to the camp, get some more supplies and come back with Chavo.
Power in numbers.
All right. Yeah, it's hard not to get a little excited about all this.
(LAUGHS) We understand. But let's be smart.
Plus, Chavo will be able to speak the creature's language.
How do you know Squatch is Latino?
How do you know he isn't?
Well, gee, I wonder where Chavo could be?
I'm here. I'm here.
SHAWN: Where's the firewood, Chavo?
Yeah. I heard something, like a muffled scream coming from the other direction.
Yeah? Well guess what we motherfreakin' saw?
It. Dude, it trudged towards that cave.
You can totally see it from the blind. Awesome.
But we didn't want you to miss anything, Chavo,
so we figured we'd all go back together, as a group.
So we can see each other.
Oh, I got it. And thank you.
Ugh. Wait until you see it, baby. Oh, my God.
I am so turned on right now. Yeah?
Yeah. We'll be right back. We will?
Yes!
Are they going off to do what I think they're gonna do?
SHAWN: Make a new plan because we're onto them? They better.
GUS: Well, I don't think that's what they're... Oh, my gosh.
(TENT UNZIPPING) GUS: Shawn, I think she's going to...
She is. SHAWN: Gus,
I need to snoop around this tent, okay? Be my lookout.
Okay.
SHAWN: Viva Mexico, Chavo.
What've we got here.
Huh, that's clever.
(KATE MOANING)
This girl is not messing around.
What is...
(BEEPING)
Wait a minute. Who's the big dot? I'm the big dot?
Then what the hell is that?
(GROWLING)
GUS: Whoa!
(BEEPING FASTER) SHAWN: Gus? What's going on out there, man?
Talk to me, Gus!
Gus? Dude, what the heck?
In a tree. Crazy, right?
It's still warm.
SHAWN: I think that turkey leg was meant for Bigfoot, Gus.
Obviously, they went to the trouble to set food traps with tracking devices,
I mean they're really committing to this hoax.
Wait, I swallowed the transmitter, Shawn.
What if my body rejects the alloys in the composite?
SHAWN: You'll poop it out. It's fine. What?
KATE: All right. You guys ready to make some cinematic history?
Get rid of that thing!
I rarely order flan.
If it's there at the table, sure, I'll partake
but chances are something else on the menu is gonna grab me.
Well, then you just haven't had good flan.
Uh... good flan, bad flan. Bottom line, it's eggy. Period.
Ugh!
It can be eggy.
Ah, man. I should've peed back at camp. My molars are floating.
KATE: All right, well just make it quick. And give me the camera.
Ugh! You know, he's got the bladder of a six-year-old girl.
But he can hold most of the tantric positions for like 45 friggin' minutes.
Wow, that's something. Yes, we have to go, too.
Yeah, we gotta pee.
SHAWN: We are gonna catch him putting on the costume, Gus.
We're gonna hide. We're getting the whole thing on camera.
And then we're gonna keep playing along.
Now pull out your phone and start shooting.
We want as many choices as possible in the editing room.
Bet. This is actually kinda fun.
SHAWN: Try and get some geography.
(URINATING)
GUS: Shawn, he looks like he's peeing.
Where is the big furry dog suit?
GUS: I'm filming a man whose peeing, Shawn, this isn't right.
Who's there?
I've got pepper spray and Chinese throwing stars.
I mean, I'm... I'm a ninja.
What are you guys doing here?
GUS: We had to go, too.
What, so you just left Kate alone at the blind?
It's not like anybody can see her. I mean, isn't that the concept?
It's a blind.
Gus, you shouldn't hold it like that. You're gonna get black bars on both sides.
Oh, right. (KATE SCREAMING)
Katie!
He saw me. I saw him!
We made eye... Eye contact!
Who saw you? Who do you think, Chavo?
(GROWLING)
KATE: Ah! Ah!
(SCREAMING)
KATE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
GUS: Ah, ah, ah, ah! KATE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
GUS: Ah! Whoa! (SIGHS)
Ah!
(GUS WAILS)
(SCREAMING)
SHAWN: Gus! You okay?
I'm okay. I'm okay. Ah!
Gus?
Great move. Great juke, Gus.
I can't say I feel 100% right now, Shawn.
We lost the monster and everyone lived. Even Chavo.
CHAVO: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Hey, I've got some rope in my backpack.
I've got a flashlight. So, what? Am I fodder, here? I'm expendable?
Hang on, Nutella! Don't worry, Gus.
It's not like you're in the catacombs.
Catch the flashlight, Gus!
Yeah.
Whoa. Ew!
(SCREAMING)
I take that back, Gus!
You're in, like, a miniature version of the catacombs.
Ah, it stings.
Tell you what, later on, you can put one on me and then rip it off super hard.
(SIGHS) Kate. You're very open and sensual and European seeming.
I grew up on a commune where we all... That's awesome,
but I'm in a fully committed relationship
and my lady and her illegitimate son,
they count on me to make responsible decisions in the clutch.
That makes me sad.
And also really hot.
Hey, uh, I don't mean to set off any alarms here,
but am I the only one who's troubled by the three corpses in the hole?
It seems pretty cut and dry to me.
We found Bigfoot's private pantry.
Now we just gotta go back and wait for snack time.
Or we could be snack time. Uh-uh. Nope. Not today.
Shawn and I will be leaving now.
Thank you all very much. It's been real.
Wait! Shawn, I...
This is... I thought this was what you wanted, man!
This stuff we're getting is epic.
We're gonna make history. Nope.
(RUSTLING IN BUSHES) (GROANING) He'll want me first. I'm the sweetest.
SHAWN: What are you saying, he's gonna start with dessert?
Ooh. Good point. Maybe not.
Chavo's toast, though.
CARLTON: Son of a bitch! GUS: Lassie! Jules?
I've never been so excited to see you ever.
Come on. Hug it out. Hug it out.
I would rather spend all day at the mall with McNab.
SHAWN: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
What are we doing here?
We got a call from a couple of hikers about an abandoned blue Echo
on the side of the road with Gus' license plate.
You didn't mention anything about a day trip.
You two are popo? That's right, Los Lobos.
So get that camera out of my face.
This had better be good, Spencer. I just shined these shoes.
That and the fact that you and Guster aren't dead, I am borderline furious.
Okay. Listen, listen.
This is Kate and Chavo. They are film students, making a documentary
about finding Bigfoot right here in these woods.
And they hired me to help them track the beast...
...psychically.
Hired? No. You volunteered!
We're not paying you caca!
Needless to say we tracked the beast to its domicile.
It was startled. It gave chase.
We barely made it out with our lives,
but we did unearth a catacomb filled with the corpses of his victims,
which he will presumably be eating later
along with Gus for dessert. What?
And we got the whole thing on camera.
GUS: That is 0% funny, Shawn.
Please let me shoot your boyfriend. Just a flesh wound.
Something he can walk away from? Please.
Boyfriend? All this monogamy is really starting to bum me out.
You say you got all this on camera? SHAWN: Yes, we did.
No way! C'mon, Lassie. You saw the footage.
Impossible.
I know, it's shocking really.
But no corpses can only mean one thing...
...it's the zombie apocalypse.
Well, perhaps for the best, right here in the woods, away from the populous.
That can't be. They were cold and ashy and pale and dead.
I think it is painfully clear what is going on here.
You two nimrods
have orchestrated a little hoax so that your film's not a total waste of time
and you found the perfect two chowderheads to fall for it.
KATE: That's not true!
Lassie, that's what we thought at first, but it doesn't add up anymore.
Think about it, Spencer.
Put your finger to your head and use your brain.
They got a couple of their bong buddies to crawl in the hole and play dead.
You got hosed.
But now they have gone too far because my time is money.
Wait a minute. How come we're ruling out the theory
that the Yeti moved his food stash because we found it?
Yeti is incorrect.
They live in much snowier climates like Hoth.
You're right, my bad.
Plus, I found it by accident, Lassie.
I had to tumble all the way down a ridge to find it.
Gus has a point.
I mean, the hole was covered. I don't think those bodies were meant to be found.
O'Hara, I forbid you to buy into this load of crap.
We should arrest them and go back to the city.
Uh... I am sensing these bodies did not get up and walk away on their own.
Which also puts the kibosh on Lassie's zombie theory.
You see, they were dragged.
Ha! Chupalo!
What does that mean? You tell me what that means right now!
Well, this is quite a haul.
Well, this can't be right.
According to the tracking device, Bigfoot is one of us.
Stop saying Bigfoot like he's real.
Gus ate a giant turkey leg with a transmitter in it.
Ah, c'mon, it wasn't weird to you that it was just sitting in a freakin' tree?
Someone would have us believe that these bodies went into the drink.
Which means we gotta dredge this creek
and bring in some serious SBPD manpower.
Now you two film geeks think long and hard about what you say next.
Playtime is over. I will not be toyed with!
(BEAR TRAP SNAPPING)
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)
God! Get it...
Oh, my... Ah!
(SCREAMING)
Oh, God!
Don't fight the current!
Try to grab onto something, I'm coming!
Whoa, where are you going?
Don't worry about it, Shawn. You do you!
There he is! Look, we go down here, come on!
CHAVO: That's what you get for calling me Los Lobos!
Dude, this is a total bonus!
CHAVO: What can I do to help?
Stay back, Chavo! CHAVO: I was hoping you'd say that.
(GRUNTING)
Lassie, grab the branch!
It's right in front of you!
I got it, O'Hara!
Yes! Good work!
Jules, you're amazing!
Hang on, Lassie. We'll have you out of there in no time.
(SQUAWKING) SHAWN: What?
Hey! That lady hawk stole my camera!
KATE: How do you know it's a female?
SHAWN: Ooh, she's circling around.
Uh, I think my whole leg just came off.
SHAWN: Lassie! She's coming back this way.
I think she's gonna drop it.
(SQUAWKING) Catch it! You have to catch it!
Catch it! (GROANS)
That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen!
Or at least top eight. Wow. Wow.
All right. That's the best we're gonna do for now, partner.
I stepped in a bear trap.
Oh! Look at this.
This is so humiliating.
I can't tell Marlowe the truth. I've gotta come up with a cover story.
Do you mind?
Does anybody know where we are?
Because I certainly don't and this sucks.
Yeah. Agreed.
We can follow the river up a ways, but the tracks won't be good once the sun goes down.
Well, didn't you guys bring a map?
I kicked it into the creek.
You did what? That's the stupidest thing you could've done, Chavo!
I was just kidding.
We actually never had a map.
You think you can move on that leg?
Not very fast.
Damn it to Hell!
It's like we're in Bridge on the River Kwai, but you get to be Bill Holden.
We're gonna freeze our pinones off.
Okay. We're gonna set up camp for the night.
We're gonna back ourselves up to water
so that we don't have to worry about a 360 degree perimeter.
We will build a fire.
At first light, I will find my way out of here
and I will come back with the cavalry.
Absolutely not.
I'm not letting you go by yourself!
Shawn, everyone has to stay here with Lassiter.
I'll be twice as fast on my own.
What about me, Juliet? I'm at least twice as fast as Shawn.
SHAWN: That is a lie! Shh!
I'm not trying to be here all night, Juliet.
Well, Detective O'Hara's right. Ow!
No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm certainly not gonna sleep a wink tonight so I'll set up a perimeter and take watch.
O'Hara will set up camp and protect the herd.
Wait. Please take one of the cameras with you.
It would mean the world to us. If you, uh,
see anything,
just point and shoot.
What do I look like to you?
The love child of Matthew Perry and Tony Randall.
Here,
it's gonna get balls cold out tonight.
What kind of wool is this?
It's an angora blend, I think.
It's delightful. I know, right?
Just point and shoot.
This fire is very, very impressive.
I had no idea that you were so rugged and outdoorsy.
Well that is because you steadfastly refuse to go hiking,
camping, or mountain biking with me, Shawn.
Because look what happens, Jules.
(SIGHS) Mother Nature was not meant for us.
It was meant for the animals and Jeff Probst.
And you know what? Not really Probst,
because everyone knows that after wrap,
he goes to the Marriott.
Man, I love the outdoors more than anything.
We're all animals.
Hey, have you guys ever seen Cannibal Holocaust.
Nothing's beeping on the Bigfoot tracker.
Huh?
Oh, my God.
That's what you ran off to do?
How? Wait.
What did you use... We're not talking about this, Shawn. Ever.
You can all suck it.
(SQUAWKING)
Stay put.
It's so... Cold.
My ankle is a little worse off than I let on.
I've lost quite a lot of blood.
It's time to be honest.
I'm no hero.
Not tonight.
Close your eyes,
Give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating?
Do you understand?
Do you feel the same?
Am I only dreaming?
Is this burning
An eternal flame?
I believe it's meant to be, darling
I would like to apologize.
I'm sorry, Marlowe.
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough.
Mom, Althea,
I just want to say once and for all that your happiness
is my happiness.
I won't be making anymore off-color LPGA jokes during the holidays.
I watch you when you are sleeping
You belong with me
Do you feel the same?
Am I only dreaming?
Or is this burning.
Burning
An eternal
Eternal flame.
Say my name
Sun shines through the rain,
My whole life...
Hey, guys! Hi.
Yeah, how about we don't attract attention to ourselves
by singing a song?
I'm going to die out here.
(SNIFFLING)
(SNORTING) O'Hara,
you are the best partner...
I have ever... Ever...
(GROWLING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROWLING)
(GROWLING ON VIDEO CAMERA)
That is not possible.
GUS: Oh, my gosh.
Bigfoot took Lassie!
Oh, my gosh.
This is really happening.
What are we gonna do?
I think there's only one thing to do.
Here.
Carlton Lassiter was a decent man.
I'll, uh... (CHUCKLES)
I'll never forget the time he chased Gus with a samurai sword.
He just about took his head off. (LAUGHS)
Although we may have not always seen eye to eye,
he did have a genuine interest in upholding the law
and of course, he had the sweet, sweet stern-bush.
Gus, you wanna add anything to that? No.
Stop.
Look, Carlton is not dead.
He can't be. I won't let him. You understand?
Okay. Now, we're going to find him
and then we're all going to get out of here.
Chichi, how we doing on battery?
CHAVO: Uh, half and we still have auxiliary.
Nice. We're ready when you are.
(SIGHS) Jules, you're upset.
Why are you filming this, Shawn?
You're emotional. And if this was me saying,
"Hey, let's go poke the hornet's nest with one of Gus' shoes",
you would say no and you would force me to be reasonable.
Shawn, I smell barbeque.
No, you don't buddy. You're just...
You're distressed,
and you're projecting a delusion of grandeur.
No. Grandeur.
No. It's smoked meat. And it's fresh.
It's freshly smoked meat.
Well, that's the direction Carlton was taken.
Let's go. Everybody. Now.
KATE: Sure knows a lot about smoked meat.
What are we doing? Wait. Chavo.
CHAVO: This is the boobs, man.
SHAWN: No. No, this is not the boobs.
Shawn, I said stay behind me.
CHAVO: Three, two...
We are currently tracking the monster
in an attempt to also find the remains of one of our own.
That is overstated. Fix in post.
Needless to say, we have risked everything in order to bring the truth behind
this legend to the rest of the free speaking world.
Boom. I don't care how long it's been since I've busted out the super sniffer.
It's like riding a bike with my nostrils and cilia.
CHAVO: Look over there.
That's the same cave we can see from the blind.
Which means, we've gone in a big circle.
Shh! Stay with me.
All of you.
CHAVO: Uh-oh.
Oh my God... Those are Carlton's clothes.
CHAVO: Homes got roasted rotisserie style.
Okay. Uh. In lieu of everything that we've been through with that man...
I can't believe I'm about to say this...
Lassie does smell absolutely delicious. Gus?
GUS: Amen. He's been dry rubbed. Ow!
What's the matter with you two?
Look, I refuse to believe that there isn't a rational explanation for all of this.
And I highly doubt that Bigfoot is dry rubbing his dinner with barbeque sauce.
Of course he isn't. It's apples and oranges.
The operative word is "dry" meaning "no sauce."
Look, the show must go on, right?
We gotta get inside that cave.
SHAWN: All right. I'm sensing he's not in there.
I'm also sensing that Bigfoot might have a green thumb.
Which is weird, because he's Bigfoot.
Oh, these seeds all took really well.
SHAWN: Huh. This is surprisingly cozy.
What is that?
Is that a solar panel?
Carlton! SHAWN: He's here! He's alive.
Carlton? Talk to me.
Tell me you're okay.
SHAWN: Ooh, I don't know. I may have jumped the gun.
Is that just his torso?
What? You are all heartless!
Oh, hey guys!
Carlton, my God, we all thought that...
They thought.
No, I'm fine. We were gonna come find you right after brunch.
We?
(GROWLING) (ALL SCREAMING)
Don't shoot! I'm unarmed!
Dear God, you can speak!
Show me your hands!
CARLTON: He's okay, O'Hara.
Okay, I may have fibbed a little bit right out the gates there.
I'm armed but I'm not dangerous.
You look dangerous.
I mean I'm really dangerous, I'm just not vengeful or vindictive.
CARLTON: It's okay, Ed. They're with me.
Carlton, what is going on here?
CARLTON: O'Hara, this here is Big Ed Dixon.
He saved my life.
Truth is, my ankle was a lot worse off than I admitted.
I bled profusely and at some point in the night I passed out.
Hey, you found my shoe!
I found the trap with blood on it, and saw Carlton,
put two and two together and felt horrible.
It was my trap.
Big Ed picked me up like a baby fawn and brought me back here,
he cleaned up my ankle, redressed my wound.
CHAVO: What's with the furry costume?
And what are you doing out here?
I've been living in these woods for over a decade.
The sad truth is I just lost faith in the human race.
I was an Army Ranger back in the day
so I knew I could exist at one with nature.
I don't have to open the paper every morning and get depressed.
You lost faith in humanity.
You know, Gus and I thought about doing the same thing after we saw The Village.
But then we didn't because that movie was horrible.
In any event, I created this pelt suit for camouflage.
It allows me to hunt and move about without disturbing the natural order of things.
Plus, I burn easily.
God. You're like Predator.
But totally doable.
Well, I can't thank you enough for saving my partner.
And I really hate to be a buzz kill here
but there are still three bodies that are unaccounted for.
I suppose you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Mr. Dixon?
No ma'am. I wouldn't hurt a fly.
Anybody hungry?
Oh, yeah. Yes.
DIXON: I've been smoking some venison outside all morning.
Trust me. My dry rub is the best thing you'll ever taste.
Affirmative. (LAUGHS)
Uh, so it smells.
Oh, my God.
You're unbelievable.
What? Don't you what me.
Show me your teeth!
You sampled the meat. It's stuck in your teeth.
You tasted the meat when we all thought it was Lassie!
So what, Shawn? What difference does it make?
You're the one who said he smells delicious!
I was trying to put a positive spin on a horrific event!
I certainly wasn't gonna partake.
I can feel my ribs, Shawn.
Gus, it hasn't even been 24 hours!
Okay, okay. There's plenty of meat for everyone
and none of it's human.
Okay, I'm gonna hoof it up to the Ranger station
and get an ATV back in here for Carlton.
I just need to get out of this suit.
Speaking of suits, yours should be dry by now, Carlton.
Thanks, Ed.
CHAVO: Ah, this is like crack made out of deer.
Where is Shawn?
Probably in the back snooping around.
You guys aren't at all suspicious of Ed?
You didn't seem to have any trouble eating his food. Ow!
Spencer you better not be snooping back there!
SHAWN: (SIGHS) Pretty bare bones, huh, Ed?
But what do we have there?
(SIGHS)
(GROANING) God!
I'm just saying.
Dude's been living here for how long?
And he's never seen or heard anything? Come on, son.
Ed Dixon's an angel in wolf's, bear's and elk's clothing.
Why would he nurse me back to health if he was a coldblooded killer, Guster?
It doesn't make sense. He's a real man.
He's two men.
Seven feet and what like, 400 pounds?
Did you get a load of those meat hooks?
Can you imagine?
Imagine what?
SHAWN: Hey, you guys. You should get in here!
Damn it, Spencer, I told you not to...
I found these buried in the bottom of Ed's foot locker soaking wet.
It's Jimmy Del Ray. Titus Clackum.
CARLTON: Both went missing two weeks ago. The trail went ice cold.
They're associated with a Serbian crime syndicate up north.
These guys have taken contract killing to a whole new level.
GUS: What did I tell you?
Big Ed is taking out the trash for mobsters who don't even speak English.
We don't know that for sure. I mean, they're bound to have accents.
Wait. There were three bodies in that hole.
A woman? Not necessarily.
(GUS SCREAMING)
I am sensing it was a girl with a dragoon tattoo.
On the calf. A dragon eating something bloody and heart shaped.
A heart. Eva Kirilenko.
I've certainly booked her enough times.
Hookerlstripper, and guess where she worked the pole?
Clackum's. I'll be damned.
She must have gotten mixed up in his business.
She should have stuck to hooking.
All right. There it is.
We know who the dead people are and we know who killed them and we're in his house.
Dixon, though? I mean, it doesn't even sort of sound like a Serbian name.
Unless he changed it from Dixonovich.
We need to get out of here.
Oh, God!
You care to explain these?
I found those netting salmon.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to come with us, Ed.
I'm afraid you're not gonna make it out of here alive, Carlton.
SHAWN: Um. Ed?
(CAMERA BEEPING)
JULIET: I have a pulse.
He's still alive, but I don't think he's gonna make it.
Damn it! So does this mean that Big Ed isn't a killer?
Yeah, probably, Kate. But I don't think now's the time to make your move.
It's gotta be the Serbians. CHAVO: Oh, come on, man. Don't tell me that!
How do we know Ed wasn't already working for them?
Because he saved my life and he served our country
and he lost his wife and he's got a garden, Guster!
JULIET: Why would the Serbs be out here?
How would they have known Gus was going to uncover those bodies?
Right. I didn't do it on purpose!
Wait. The pictures on the blog.
What about them? You guys have been posting pictures on your blog
all over these woods this week.
Like, the Serbs are bound to have people keeping tabs on the area.
You basically advertised that you were out here.
CARLTON: Which means they knew their dumping ground's been compromised.
So they sent out some muscle to tie up the loose ends and move the bodies.
Including me? No, Gus. You're probably okay.
Of course including you! Everyone.
All of us. And poor Big Ed.
He made it all the way back here to warn us,
that brave sumbitch.
Or they let him go so they could track him and see where he goes.
So some coldblooded Serbians are coming to kill us?
Uh. Has the Student Academy Award ever been won posthumously?
We need to get out of here! JULIET: Gus, no! It's too dangerous.
That's like leading lambs to slaughter.
O'Hara's right.
If they want a fight, we'll give 'em a fight.
I'm really more of a lover.
ALL: We know!
So what the hell are we gonna do?
Well, look around this place.
Let's get ready.
You do realize we're in grave danger, right Chavo?
CHAVO: People need to know. What does that even mean?
CHAVO: I have no idea!
It's just the default excuse people give in found footage movies
for why they keep shooting no matter what happens.
You guys are using me like a chest of drawers, aren't you?
Try to relax, Ed.
Oh, that's wrong.
Go pro, or go home.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
All right. I think we've done all we can do for tonight.
With any luck, sundown will come without incident
and we can head out of here at first light.
I'll be keeping watch out here.
You guys, stay in the back with Lassiter and take your cues from him.
We are light on firearms
but he's got a gun in the back,
and God knows what he used to do with that morning star.
I'm sorry it's come to this,
but we will make it out of here if we work together.
Yeah, you know what? We're sorry too.
No, we're not. (GUNSHOT)
chichi! chichi, dude! (GROANING)
JULIET: Take cover! Let's go, behind the cabin now!
SHAWN: Flip the table over! Gus.
Flip the table! (MAN YELLING)
(GROANING) KATE: What about the camera?
SHAWN: Kate, what are you doing? People need to know.
(GUNSHOT) (GROANING)
(MAN SPEAKING SERBIAN) CHAVO: Katie...
(GROANING) God!
SHAWN: Dude, she tried the Denzel.
We're gonna get shot, Shawn! Where did Jules go?
I can't just leave her out here.
At least she has a gun. (GUNSHOT)
(MAN SPEAKING SERBIAN)
(GROANING) It's the Serbs!
(MAN SPEAKING SERBIAN)
Ah! Ah!
SHAWN: Holy living Mary.
(MAN SPEAKING SERBIAN)
SHAWN: What do you think that means?
It means we need to get out of here, Shawn!
(MAN SPEAKING SERBIAN)
KATE: Shawn! Gus! Where did you guys go?
GUS: Shawn! SHAWN: Lassie! Jules knows how to shoot a crossbow.
(SPEAKING SERBIAN)
Everybody get down!
(SCREAMING)
(MAN SPEAKING SERBIAN)
KATE: Holy crap!
CHAVO: Uh, Kate? (GUS CRYING)
(MAN SPEAKING SERBIAN)
What are you doing, Lassie? Shoot that dude!
You stay down and shut up!
KATE: Uh... Somebody help us!
Come to papa, you son of a bitch.
(KATIE GRUNTS)
CHAVO: Katie.
KATE: Um, help? Somebody? Help us! Somebody! CHAVO: Katie?
Somebody, help us!
(GROANING)
KATE: Uh. Thank you! Thanks! (MAN SPEAKING SERBIAN)
'Kay. Where's the other one?
SHAWN: Lassie, you got him? You totally shot that dude.
Of course I got him. Don't be an idiot.
Where's O'Hara? I can't see anything to the West.
(MAN SPEAKING SERBIAN)
This could be my last meal, Shawn.
(GRUNTING) SHAWN: Whoa.
Carlton, cover me!
(GUNSHOT)
(BULLET RICOCHETING)
Chavo, Kate.
I need you guys to apply pressure to each other's wounds.
Can you do that? Chavo, how you holding up?
I peed. I'm still peeing. KATE: (GROANS) Chavo! God, my hair! Ugh!
(GUNSHOT) (MAN GROANING)
Carlton! Shawn!
SHAWN: Oh, my God. He shot Lassie!
This is gonna be so hard on my son. SHAWN: You don't have a son.
You know what I mean, Shawn.
(SOBBING)
(SPEAKING SERBIAN)
(GRUNTS)
SHAWN: Ed? You're alive!
Thank you!
No problem.
I feel woozy.
SHAWN: Jules, you're so badass!
What happened? SHAWN: That dead Serb shot Lassie!
Carlton oh, come on, talk to me, Carlton.
(GROANS)
This really hasn't been my day, O'Hara.
(SIGHS)
It's a damn shame.
SHAWN: Here lies Big Ed Dixon.
He was a gentle giant with a sensitive soul
and an impressive armament of medieval weaponry.
If it wasn't for him, Gus would be dead.
So would you, Shawn.
Now that remains open for debate.
There is no debate. Bang, bang. I'm dead, you're dead.
SHAWN: I would have thrown the camera at his face, Gus.
Oh, please. There's no way you would've thrown... (SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Doesn't anybody check for a pulse anymore?
Oh, my gosh. You're still alive!
I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't know, Ed. Hold on.
I need an EMT over here right now!
Ed Dixon is alive!
Hang in there, Ed. We're gonna get you to the hospital stat.
Um, I kinda turned my back on modern medicine 10 years ago.
I... I'm fine. Can you just pull this axe out of my spine, please?
Um... I think you might wanna make an exception for this one.
You don't wanna get a staph infection.
Yeah, I suppose so.
(GROANING) I'm getting woozy.
Didn't anybody hear me? Ed Dixon is alive!
Her name is Yashimi
She's a black belt in karate
Hey, hey
Working for the city
She has to discipline her body
'Cause she knows that
It's demanding
To defeat the...
(ALL CHEERING) GUS: (LAUGHS) Yeah!
Pretty much it, guys. That... That's our film.
Did that just say Seacrest?
Yeah. You know what, Chavo, I realized,
uh, while I was doing the credits that I don't know your last name.
I mean I assume it's something like Cortez,
or Hinojosa,
or Ponce de León but, uh, I wasn't positive, so I just, uh...
I went with something safe. That is safe.
It's genius, Shawn.
That is the best film I have seen since Love and Basketball.
Wow. That's...
Oh, I really like some of the nice editing choices you made.
The dissolve was great. And, oh. The... The flashback?
Nice touch.
Well, uh, that flashback is actually how I...
How it looks in my head, this psychic brain of mine
I thought it might be nice to give you guys a little peek
into the process that I am a slave to.
Interesting.
Please remove your arm from around my shoulder this second.
You got it, Chief.
Yes, well, you're all very lucky to be alive.
The Serbians don't mess around,
especially when they're wearing masks
and speaking Serbian.
SHAWN: Well said, Pop.
I'm also happy to report that Big Ed
will make a full recovery. Mmm-hmm.
God love him.
And if I may just add
that while I am not particularly pleased with how I'm portrayed in this film,
Detective O'Hara's heroics cannot be overstated.
Yeah.
Shawn, thanks for putting this all together.
It was the least we could do.
I mean, after all, you are giving up your Student Academy Award
by offering up this footage as evidence.
But hopefully it will bring you some comfort to know
that the remaining killer will be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.
KAREN: Well, it all worked out about as well as it could,
considering that most of you have gunshot wounds.
You ever been shot, Papa bear?
Yeah.
Yeah, as a matter of fact I have.
Wow, that's super hot.
Okay. Well, you know, some of us do have to get back to running a precinct.
So... Oh, I... I appreciate that, Karen.
But you're the one that does the heavy lifting around here.
Drive safe, if you drove.
GUS: Gopher?
You credited me as "gopher?"
You must be outta your damn mind, Shawn, I put my life on the line!
I was supposed to be C camera operator and co-producer.
We had a deal, not to mention my points on the back end.
What... You're right. This is an outrage.
I'm gonna take this up with post.
Cool. Wait a second, you are post.
Get back here, Shawn!
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth
I know, you know They just don't have any proof
Embrace the deception Learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end
I know, you know